I spent most of today waiting in line. Sometimes it feels like 95% of my life is standing in line or waiting for something. Sometimes I use my waiting time wisely by digging into The Word playing with the girls or working on my phone. On the rare occasion I am not using my time wisely ( remember I said rare – sarcasm) I scroll social media, find myself in the trenchs of converstations, stalking dance videos on instgram and lurking through the hilarious medium known as twitter. Today though I found myself in a panic trying to come up with something to blog about for my weekly blog. ( one of my 2017 goals is to be more open and out of my comfort zone in blogging) I found myself joining every motivation blogging community group on facebook. So many people blog and so many people are awesome at it and I’d like to become awesome at it or improve my already level of awesome.
This blog for quite a long time served very little purpose other than a place for me to try hard to fit the mold and compare myself to other bloggers. I tried to write using language that was foreign in my mouth and perspectives that felt out of character. I am not gushy, fluffy and good with adjectives. I am blunt, sarcastic, and sometimes overbearing. So, this year I am pushing myself to embrace my writing voice by blogging once a week. I love reading blogs and since I launched this blog I have found it hard to find my confidence and foundation in my abilities. Thus my 2017 goals to push myself further out of my comfort zone and go head to head with lies and insecurities I’ve let get the best of me.
Comparison can be a real buzzkill and for me it’s always been a struggle like a lot of people. In the mission’s community, I think there is a very real concern for comparison especially over writing mediums like blogs. But that is another topic for another day!
In school, I constantly received C’s in writing. I was told by teachers I didn’t have the proper personal skills to achieve the grades/praise I had longed for in writing classes. I struggled with grammar and being able to express myself coherently. I now realize a lot of that was due to personal trauma and the inability to express myself in general was from fear. My grammar skills were mostly from a lack of just hating grammar though. Sorry elementary school teachers I still sometimes don’t know where the comma goes. #Iusehashtagstoexpressmyself #hastagsdontrequiregrammar . The constant voice of failure has hung over me in a heavy way. I had a lot of great teachers but I struggled until my senior year of high school to find an English/writing teacher that believed in me. I found one who pushed me and encouraged me in all areas of expression through written word.
After scrolling through 9 different motivation groups trying to find a topic/idea to write upon I decided it was time to be honest about my blogging struggles in case anyone else spent today looking for advice and encouragement. I can do it and so can you a memoir written by Facebook groups ( did you see my sarcasm). I hope this year blogging will no longer seem like a chore but will become almost second nature. I aim to be outside my comfort zone but also to accurately and transparently describe what the world looks like around me as a missionary, parent and woman millennial.