Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act
*Disclaimer: This is not meant to offend anyone, however sometimes the truth hurts.
Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became a daughter to about 40 fathers.
I have no relationship with my biological father. Although my biological father lived in the same house as me for 16 years. We have no relationship.Some have judgments about my choice and lifestyle, but I am here to clear some air. My father made a very conscious decision everyday to love me conditionally (con·di·tion·al kənˈdiSH(ə)n(ə)l/ :adjective 1.
subject to one or more conditions or requirements being met; made or granted on certain terms.) .
I however never met those conditions. I wasn’t smart enough, athletic enough, pretty enough, motivated enough, simply put I wasn’t enough. Ouch. Several times growing up there were many malicious words that left my fathers mouth and hit my ears like a bullet to the heart. The emotional abuse I endured was worse than anytime his hands hit me. The words are what stung most. When things got hard, my father left and came back and left and came back. Our front door became a revolving door. Each time things were a little worse. Each time police got called and our house was well known by the Wheaton police. Each time I held my head up to the sky angry at God for giving me such crappy life cards. I always turned my head back down before ever listening to God’s promises.
It wasn’t until I was 17 I finally began to understand what it looked like to let go and let God take care of everything. Including my burdens, stress, and the desires of my heart. My parents separated and peace began to enter our home. True unconditional love began to take its course in the heart of my mom and brother. We began to experience what a true relationship with God was in faith that things would be better. That redemption was happening and grace was needed. It’s hard to report things are not healed completely with my father.
It is important to remember that forgiveness is not forgetfulness that sometimes we in order to show grace and forgiveness have to walk completely away to heal our hearts. That is what I had to do was walk away in faith that God would heal and redeem a healthy father relationship looked like or a healthy relationship with a male at all was supposed to be.
Psalm 103:3-6 “ Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s”
For so long I didn’t know exactly what my heart was missing when it came to fathers. It wasn’t until I watched friends who had very good relationships with their dads did my soul begin to ache. I pretended to be ok without a father. Finally though the floodgates opened and my heart really began to mourn.
This year I moved to a rural district in Southwest Uganda. Suddenly that void of being fatherless began to fill quickly, and overflowing. Instead of no Dad I had 40. 40 Godly, Christian men who began to refer to me as their daughter. They see me for me. Not the color of my skin, the knowledge in my head but they love me because their Heavenly father created me and loves me. I now am abundantly blessed by the amount of people I get to call Dad. I literally have a Dad in each department of the Diocese.
Joel 2:25-26, ESV “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame.”
God is truly the healer of all wounds, the comforter of all pain, the redeemer of every wrongdoing. We as his people just have to be open to his healing, comfort and redemption. Oh Praise Him. When you walk in his ways, He acts in big ways.
*Vote of appreciation to my Dad’s who daily love me, guide me and protect me like our Father in heaven does for us.